Norm

About a week after my last post in February, my dad passed away.  Even though his health had been compromised for some time (he had battled a myriad of heart and lung issues for the past 25 years), and we knew that because of these issues he could leave us at any time, the death of a loved one is always a shock.  We had seen him come through each health crisis like a trooper, so it almost didn't occur to us he wouldn't be fine this time as well.  However, after 25 years, I believe he was just done fighting. 

The past two months have been strange, to say the least.  I'm beginning to understand what it means when people say grief is a process.  I'm not sure the death of a loved one really sinks in until days, perhaps even weeks, later, once you've had a chance to live without that person for a while.  There is a definite sadness right away; tears come almost instantaneously.  But is this actual grief or just the initial shock of learning the news?  I'm not sure.

The day we got the news, I felt numb more than anything else.  I definitely cried, and would tear up when I thought of him throughout those first several days.  However, I had more of a "what now?" feeling.  I didn't feel the need to rush home since he was already gone, but I also felt that going about my normal routine was somehow disrespectful, even though I had to go to the grocery store and finish the laundry, both of which needed to be done before the upcoming week.  It was hard to focus on what to do first. 

After returning from our trip home for his memorial service, I began to feel more of an ache in my heart, which has been with me ever since.  Once the public process of saying goodbye was complete, I let myself think more about the future and what would be missed going forward, both for him and for those of us he left behind.  The holidays which would always be minus one person or the world events no longer discussed around the dinner table.  The thought of not talking to him again is what makes me the most sad.  I've actually gone to dial his number and then remembered he's not there anymore.  That is by far the worst for me.

Up until this point in my life, when something big has happened, I've always dealt with it and moved on, whether it was getting sick or being unemployed.  I knew the situation was not forever and one day, life would return to normal.  Losing a loved one is forever.  I'm told the pain lessens as time goes by but in all reality, that person is never coming back.  And this has been the most stark realization of this whole process for me.

Luckily, I am blessed with wonderful family and friends who support me in my transition into this new normal.  People who are willing to listen while I talk about the crazy things he did during his life, such as talking to every random person we passed in the grocery store, or driving the Alcan Highway in his MG Midget for a teaching job in Alaska.  He was quite a character and will be deeply missed by all who knew him. 

Rest in eternal peace, Norm.  Love you always!